Hillary’s Last Stand

This just in: Hillary Clinton continues to stand fast amidst the din of defeat and the annoying buzz of eventual humiliation. During a campaign stop in San Antonio the New York Senator took a moment to remember what happened the last time someone made their last stand in Texas: they were brutally slaughtered down to the last man. “So we can’t do any worse!” said Ms. Clinton with her trademark strained humor covering her equally trademark desperation.

“Davey Crocket is one of my heroes!” exclaimed Senator Clinton, demonstrating how the wild west hero wielded his favorite rifle “old betsy” like a club. After savagely beating several campaign staffers and innocent bystanders she was restrained by police. Just kidding. But no, really. It was scary.

In other news, Ron Paul is still crazy, John McCain is still old, Barack Obama is still the greatest thing since Ghandi and Mike Huckabee is still Mike Huckabee. Unless he’s an alien. But then he would still be called Mike Huckabee, he would just be from outer space. Keep it sexy America! Incoherently,

Seth

Waldo Found!!

In a surprise move, erstwhile presidential candidate Ron Paul revealed the secret to his past life last Sunday. Before a packed crowd of rabid libertarians and children’s book fans gathered at the annual Where’s Waldo convention, he declared: “I’m Waldo!”

Hysteria spread through the room when he stripped off his suit and tie to reveal the wily cartoon character’s trademark stripes.

 

“IT’S HIM!” cried a voice from the back, and chaos broke loose.

Cries of joy were soon replaced by shrieks of pain as the weak were trampled by the strong. “Ron Pauldo” was soon hoisted into the air by adoring fans and carried on their shoulders, but the fanatics crushed each other in an attempt to touch the feet of their idol.

“I’ve been looking all my life! I never though this day would come!” wept one observer, just before she was driven to the hospital with severe head trauma.

Inside the packed convention hall the Waldo Watchers, or Waldonites, as they prefer to be called, were on the brink of riot when from atop the sea of waving faces Ron Pauldo gestured for silence.

“This is not the true meaning of Waldonism, my people!” he cried, calming the crowd with his words of peace.

“I did not travel the world surrounded by unaccountably large crowds of people just so that you could hurt each other in my name! I wanted to spread peace, love, and inventive illustrating throughout the globe. I am known by many names among many people. In Britain I am Wally, in Germany I am Walter, in Norway I am Willy and in Sri Lanka I am Hetti—which doesn’t make much sense—but in all of these places I stand for the universal human search: the search for the divine in each other. Incidentally, I also stand for small government and strict constitutionalism, but that’s another story.”

The crisis averted, the crowd began to dissipate. “Was that really Waldo?” wondered some, once the heat of the moment was over. Few can answer that question for sure, but most onlookers reported finding peace, as well as Waldo’s lost binoculars, his hat and his backpack for bonus points.

 

 

Obama Invokes Van Buren Legacy

 

In a press conference Tuesday, Barack Obama reportedly scratched his usual stump speech in favor of a little history lesson. “I think its time we remembered one of the forgotten greats of the Democratic Party,” said Obama, “today I invite you to honor with me Martin Van Buren, a man whose legacy endures to this day.”

Van Buren, known as “Old Kinderhook,” is mostly remembered for the recession of 1837, the bloodless Aroostook War with Canada, the Trail of Tears, and his three foot wide side-burns.

“Mr. Van Buren dealt with a lot as president,” said Obama, “and the way he scrupulously avoided definitive action is a model for how I plan on carrying myself in the white house.”

Also infamous for allowing the wholesale slaughter of Mormons in Utah and being Dutch, Van Buren was notoriously indecisive and purely politically motivated. “He was a great man,” said Obama, “I place him in the pantheon of truly great presidents along with men like Millard Fillmore, William Henry Harrison and Franklin Pierce, all of whom successfully avoided doing anything memorable while in office, but wrote some darn good speeches. Now is the time for me to don the mantle of Martin Van Buren!”

Obama’s inspiring oration was sadly cut short by thunderous applause and the agonized screeching of Hillary Clinton.

Ron Paul Summons Demon

Yesterday Ron Paul, presidential hopeful and former gynecologist, was caught in the act of summoning a being from the depths of hell.  The being, known as Karkaroff to mere mortals, promised to fill him with charisma and power to reinvigorate his failing campaign.  It also promised to slay anyone who compared Mr. Paul’s face to that of Mr. Magoo.

            Fortunately for the other candidates in the race, Paul was startled in the midst of the summoning charm—which consisted of smearing blood around with a commemorative replica sword from the Lord of the Rings films—before Karkaroff could become truly corporeal.

            The staunch libertarian Mr. Paul reportedly sighed dejectedly as the infernal spirit vanished into red smoke.  Karkaroff is quoted as saying, “Aaaaaaaarghhh!!!!!!!!” just before he returned to the flames from which he came.

            Despite this setback Ron Paul’s supporters remain resolute.  “Ron Paul is the only candidate with the courage and pluck to attempt to summon an evil power from the depths of Hades.  It’s obvious he’s the only man who can lead America,” said Arlo Ipswitch, of Tuscaloosa, Alabama.  His sentiment is echoed by libertarians, constitutionalists and worshippers of Satan across the United States.

An Explanation

To explain the three posts below:

I’ve been writing a lot of political irony lately. I can’t hold it in, so here it is. This summer I will use this blog to chronicle my time in the Dominican Republic working for a Christian micro-finance organization (I can’t wait!). But in the mean time, it will be my forum for whatever sarcastic news stories I come up with. These will vary in how ethically ambitious they will be, i.e. whether or not they will be edifying. However, they will usually be funny, and I think that is a good thing in itself. So if you like that sort of thing, keep reading. If you don’t, check back in May.