An Explanation

To explain the three posts below:

I’ve been writing a lot of political irony lately. I can’t hold it in, so here it is. This summer I will use this blog to chronicle my time in the Dominican Republic working for a Christian micro-finance organization (I can’t wait!). But in the mean time, it will be my forum for whatever sarcastic news stories I come up with. These will vary in how ethically ambitious they will be, i.e. whether or not they will be edifying. However, they will usually be funny, and I think that is a good thing in itself. So if you like that sort of thing, keep reading. If you don’t, check back in May.

Edwards Takes Up Golf, Frowning

Upon withdrawing himself from the Democratic presidential primary, John Edwards expressed his intention to explore new interests.  “I need to get over all this populist crap and get back to my roots as a man of privilege,” said the Senator from North Carolina, “so I am renewing my membership at the swankiest golf club around, and I’ve discovered I love Thai food!”
            Looking well-rested and content for the first time in months, Mr. Edwards reportedly played several rounds of polo yesterday afternoon, followed by a passionate bout of love-making with either his wife or that new receptionist, depending on the account.

Witnesses also report seeing Mr. Edwards “really let his hair down,” something he hadn’t done since he announced his candidacy over six months ago.  The Edwards’ family terrier promptly pounced on the hair and tore it to shreds, but no one blamed him, the hair having already made several sexual advances on the beloved canine in the past.
            Edwards also has stated his intention to explore parts of himself he’s left unexamined while in the national eye, like that mole on his left shoulder-blade.  “I’ve got to get that checked out,” said Edwards.  Even more drastically, he claims to be toning down his spotlight smile and even frowning sometimes when he gets angry.  “When my wife tries to say we can’t have pork chops for dinner, I show that ho how I feel, and flash her a big frowny face ’til she straightens up and shows a gangsta some respect,” said Edwards, also adding, “oh yeah, I have black friends now.”
            Edwards refuses to speculate about the possibility of being chosen as a running mate by one of the candidates in the general election, but a source inside the Clinton campaign has revealed that they’ve hired “a very nice gentleman” to clean Hillary’s boots with his tongue in exchange for raffle tickets.

McCain Old, Getting Older

In the midst of the Super Tuesday excitement several of the Republican presidential candidates took time out from their exhausting schedules to comment on the age of Republican front-runner John McCain.

            “I’m no spring chicken myself,” said Mike Huckabee, with a winning smile, “but at least I’m not John McCain.  That guy has arteries harder than my tight, sculpted ass.”  The once 280-pound Huckabee then proceeded to take his shirt off and wave it around his head while making wild whooping noises celebrating his miraculous weight loss.

            Mitt Romney also chimed in, remarking, “look, while we were standing around here chatting about poll numbers that dinosaur added another few minutes to his already prehistoric age.  Think he’ll kick the bucket before he publicly humiliates me by winning the nomination?”

            Even libertarian Ron Paul got into the act, yelling at Senator McCain across a roomful of reporters, “hey geezer!  Get me a snack from the nursing home cafeteria!”  Observers noted that Ron Paul is not very clever.

            Senator McCain took the comments about his advanced age with characteristic charm and good will.  “When I’m president you’ll be sorry, m*****-f*****’s!” he said politely, waving his middle finger at a crowd of reporters before going for a light jog and a round of recreational electro-shock therapy.

Obama Resuscitates Seal…

…then after making sure the British pop star was okay he proceeded to save cute ocean creatures by the truck-load.  Driving around in the Obama-mobile—his trademarked van which runs only on hope—Senator Obama was seen throwing himself between seals and the clubbings they would certainly have received if not for his heroic efforts.

Obama’s seal-saving mission—coming hot on the heals of his primary wins in Virginia, Maryland and Washington D.C.—were decried by the Clinton campaign as blatant showmanship.  “Anybody can save an animal here and there, but it takes a serious leader to hold on desperately in the face of adversity without ever losing your abrasive social manner or your shrill rhetorical style,” she said, coming as close to showing emotion as any android in the history of artificial robot companions.

Of course this isn’t the first time Barack Obama has been seen helping out our little animal friends.  To date he has rescued three dolphins snared in fishing nets, bound up the wings of seven bluebirds and pulled thorns out of the paws of countless stray dogs.

“He’s the real deal!” said a bevy of mice, while they busied themselves sewing Obama a new suit.  “That’s right!” chimed in two robins, before bursting into a song filled with hope and laughter.  Within a few hours they had assembled him a perfectly fitted three-piece and the Senator from Illinois was off for the convention, wearing JFK’s bedroom slipper.