Yesterday Ron Paul, presidential hopeful and former gynecologist, was caught in the act of summoning a being from the depths of hell. The being, known as Karkaroff to mere mortals, promised to fill him with charisma and power to reinvigorate his failing campaign. It also promised to slay anyone who compared Mr. Paul’s face to that of Mr. Magoo.
Fortunately for the other candidates in the race, Paul was startled in the midst of the summoning charm—which consisted of smearing blood around with a commemorative replica sword from the Lord of the Rings films—before Karkaroff could become truly corporeal.
The staunch libertarian Mr. Paul reportedly sighed dejectedly as the infernal spirit vanished into red smoke. Karkaroff is quoted as saying, “Aaaaaaaarghhh!!!!!!!!” just before he returned to the flames from which he came.
Despite this setback Ron Paul’s supporters remain resolute. “Ron Paul is the only candidate with the courage and pluck to attempt to summon an evil power from the depths of Hades. It’s obvious he’s the only man who can lead America,” said Arlo Ipswitch, of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. His sentiment is echoed by libertarians, constitutionalists and worshippers of Satan across the United States.
