In a press conference Tuesday, Barack Obama reportedly scratched his usual stump speech in favor of a little history lesson. “I think its time we remembered one of the forgotten greats of the Democratic Party,” said Obama, “today I invite you to honor with me Martin Van Buren, a man whose legacy endures to this day.”
Van Buren, known as “Old Kinderhook,” is mostly remembered for the recession of 1837, the bloodless Aroostook War with Canada, the Trail of Tears, and his three foot wide side-burns.
“Mr. Van Buren dealt with a lot as president,” said Obama, “and the way he scrupulously avoided definitive action is a model for how I plan on carrying myself in the white house.”
Also infamous for allowing the wholesale slaughter of Mormons in Utah and being Dutch, Van Buren was notoriously indecisive and purely politically motivated. “He was a great man,” said Obama, “I place him in the pantheon of truly great presidents along with men like Millard Fillmore, William Henry Harrison and Franklin Pierce, all of whom successfully avoided doing anything memorable while in office, but wrote some darn good speeches. Now is the time for me to don the mantle of Martin Van Buren!”
Obama’s inspiring oration was sadly cut short by thunderous applause and the agonized screeching of Hillary Clinton.
