McCain Kills Ursus Americanus Sans Weapons

 

On Tuesday, presidential hopeful John McCain took a day off from his campaign schedule to pay respects to alcohol company magnate Jorge Henderson, an old friend of McCain’s who recently passed away. The somber ceremony, which was held in Henderson’s beloved out-of-doors, was unfortunately interrupted by a rampaging member of the species Ursus Americanus, apparently intent on devouring the funeral dinner.

Fortunately for the attendees, John McCain sprung into action, and forcing a passersby to take his place as a pallbearer for the notably large, unshaven Henderson (who had been physically incapable of producing any heirs), he downed the animal with a swift one-two punch to the face.

The barely bearded barren beer baron burial bier-bearing bare bear beating, besides being bizarrely bad-ass, astonished linguists with its amazing use of alliteration, assonance and homonyms. “Holy crap!” said Harvard philologist Jingo Heinz, “who wrote this story?” McCain supporters were similarly wowed, and hoping to capitalize on the incident, the McCain camp issued the following statement: “John just jumps with joy to jumble with juniper jim-jams in June.” Which makes no sense at all, but then what else is new.