Obama Resuscitates Seal…

…then after making sure the British pop star was okay he proceeded to save cute ocean creatures by the truck-load. Driving around in the Obama-mobile—his trademarked van which runs only on hope—Senator Obama was seen throwing himself between seals and the clubbings they would certainly have received if not for his heroic efforts.

Obama’s seal-saving mission—coming hot on the heals of his primary wins in Virginia, Maryland and Washington D.C.—were decried by the Clinton campaign as blatant showmanship. “Anybody can save an animal here and there, but it takes a serious leader to hold on desperately in the face of adversity without ever losing your abrasive social manner or your shrill rhetorical style,” she said, coming as close to showing emotion as any android in the history of artificial robot companions.

Of course this isn’t the first time Barack Obama has been seen helping out our little animal friends. To date he has rescued three dolphins snared in fishing nets, bound up the wings of seven bluebirds and pulled thorns out of the paws of countless stray dogs.

“He’s the real deal!” said a bevy of mice, while they busied themselves sewing Obama a new suit. “That’s right!” chimed in two robins, before bursting into a song filled with hope and laughter. Within a few hours they had assembled him a perfectly fitted three-piece and the Senator from Illinois was off for the convention, wearing JFK’s bedroom slipper.