Democrats Undecided, Fight to Death Proposed

With the democratic nomination still in deadlock, the much-vaunted superdelegates (party officials imbued with supernatural powers by a radiation blast at the 1976 convention) began to discuss the little-known duel to the death option. “By-law 486 section b clearly states that if no candidate secures a clear majority by May, the convention may schedule a gladiatorial battle using whatever weapons the party deems suitable” said superdelegate Arthur “Radon-Man” Symons. “Right now we’re thinking daggers and morning-stars, but we haven’t ruled out rubber chickens” said Edward Patterson, also known as “The Fly.”

Both candidates have declared themselves ready for the fight. “Are you not entertained?!! Is this not what you came for?!” cried Senator Clinton at a recent rally, before being informed that the fight had not actually taken place. Barack Obama had no comment for the media, but observers noted the spiked helmet he now wears to all press conferences would come in handy both for protecting his immaculate face and striking terror in the hearts of his enemies.

Sophomore Asserts Freedom, Cultivates Slug on Lip

In a bold move intended to assert his free spirit and independence from others’ opinions, local sophomore Dwight Lundy recently decided to raise a rare species of South American slug on his upper lip. The exotic Hairy Leopard Slug, hailing from the headwaters of the Amazon River, is intended to give Lundy an air of devil-may-care maturity lacking in his fellow sophomores. “Great isn’t it?” grinned Lundy, soon after procuring the bizarre creature, “I’m just seeing how it goes for now. I’ll probably take it off before break.”

Reactions to his unconventional facial decoration have been mixed. Several of Dwight’s friends reportedly consider it “awesome” and “hilarious,” though reactions from the opposite sex have generally ranged from vague disgust to uncomfortable laughter.

Scientists are divided as to the possible consequences of Dwight’s slug-stash experiment. Though most agree it will only make him slightly more belligerent and out-going than he once was, a sizable minority contend that it will act as a stimulant on his nervous system, sending him into a short-lived bout of euphoria before eventually sucking his life away, leaving him a shattered shell of his once unselfconscious self.

Regardless, it is certain that life will never be the same for everyone who knows Dwight Lundy. Other sophomore males in his circle of influence are already considering ways that they too can assert their self-assurance. “I think maybe I won’t cut my hair for a while,” said Arthur Dingly. “Maybe I’ll wear this bright yellow t-shirt,” chimed in Mathew Boberick. “I know! I’ll get someone to give me braids!” Exclaimed Landon Newberry. No word yet on whether any of these changes have helped these strong, independent young men in their ongoing quest for a chance to hold hands in third lobby with a girl.