Edwards Takes Up Golf, Frowning
Upon withdrawing himself from the Democratic presidential primary, John Edwards expressed his intention to explore new interests. “I need to get over all this populist crap and get back to my roots as a man of privilege,” said the Senator from North Carolina, “so I am renewing my membership at the swankiest golf club around, and I’ve discovered I love Thai food!”
Looking well-rested and content for the first time in months, Mr. Edwards reportedly played several rounds of polo yesterday afternoon, followed by a passionate bout of love-making with either his wife or that new receptionist, depending on the account.
Witnesses also report seeing Mr. Edwards “really let his hair down,” something he hadn’t done since he announced his candidacy over six months ago. The Edwards’ family terrier promptly pounced on the hair and tore it to shreds, but no one blamed him, the hair having already made several sexual advances on the beloved canine in the past.
Edwards also has stated his intention to explore parts of himself he’s left unexamined while in the national eye, like that mole on his left shoulder-blade. “I’ve got to get that checked out,” said Edwards. Even more drastically, he claims to be toning down his spotlight smile and even frowning sometimes when he gets angry. “When my wife tries to say we can’t have pork chops for dinner, I show that ho how I feel, and flash her a big frowny face ’til she straightens up and shows a gangsta some respect,” said Edwards, also adding, “oh yeah, I have black friends now.”
Edwards refuses to speculate about the possibility of being chosen as a running mate by one of the candidates in the general election, but a source inside the Clinton campaign has revealed that they’ve hired “a very nice gentleman” to clean Hillary’s boots with his tongue in exchange for raffle tickets.