In a surprise move, erstwhile presidential candidate Ron Paul revealed the secret to his past life last Sunday. Before a packed crowd of rabid libertarians and children’s book fans gathered at the annual Where’s Waldo convention, he declared: “I’m Waldo!”
Hysteria spread through the room when he stripped off his suit and tie to reveal the wily cartoon character’s trademark stripes.
“IT’S HIM!” cried a voice from the back, and chaos broke loose.
Cries of joy were soon replaced by shrieks of pain as the weak were trampled by the strong. “Ron Pauldo” was soon hoisted into the air by adoring fans and carried on their shoulders, but the fanatics crushed each other in an attempt to touch the feet of their idol.
“I’ve been looking all my life! I never though this day would come!” wept one observer, just before she was driven to the hospital with severe head trauma.
Inside the packed convention hall the Waldo Watchers, or Waldonites, as they prefer to be called, were on the brink of riot when from atop the sea of waving faces Ron Pauldo gestured for silence.
“This is not the true meaning of Waldonism, my people!” he cried, calming the crowd with his words of peace.
“I did not travel the world surrounded by unaccountably large crowds of people just so that you could hurt each other in my name! I wanted to spread peace, love, and inventive illustrating throughout the globe. I am known by many names among many people. In Britain I am Wally, in Germany I am Walter, in Norway I am Willy and in Sri Lanka I am Hetti—which doesn’t make much sense—but in all of these places I stand for the universal human search: the search for the divine in each other. Incidentally, I also stand for small government and strict constitutionalism, but that’s another story.”
The crisis averted, the crowd began to dissipate. “Was that really Waldo?” wondered some, once the heat of the moment was over. Few can answer that question for sure, but most onlookers reported finding peace, as well as Waldo’s lost binoculars, his hat and his backpack for bonus points.