All things counter, original, spare and strange in Khujand, Tajikistan

Democrats Undecided, Fight to Death Proposed

With the democratic nomination still in deadlock, the much-vaunted superdelegates (party officials imbued with supernatural powers by a radiation blast at the 1976 convention) began to discuss the little-known duel to the death option. “By-law 486 section b clearly states that if no candidate secures a clear majority by May, the convention may schedule a gladiatorial battle using whatever weapons the party deems suitable” said superdelegate Arthur “Radon-Man” Symons. “Right now we’re thinking daggers and morning-stars, but we haven’t ruled out rubber chickens” said Edward Patterson, also known as “The Fly.”

Both candidates have declared themselves ready for the fight. “Are you not entertained?!! Is this not what you came for?!” cried Senator Clinton at a recent rally, before being informed that the fight had not actually taken place. Barack Obama had no comment for the media, but observers noted the spiked helmet he now wears to all press conferences would come in handy both for protecting his immaculate face and striking terror in the hearts of his enemies.

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