Obama Proposes Facial Hair Stimulus
This just in from the Bagpipe’s own White House correspondent:
President Barack Obama called a press conference Saturday in his now-infamous “Atomic Economics” room in order to unveil his latest proposal in the fight against recession.
“My fellow citizens,” he said, in a voice grimmer than a triple-B bond, “We have gone too far for ordinary solutions. This is a solution with special sauce and sautéed onions. A solution worthy of a situation that increasingly resembles a crap sandwich with a side of warm coleslaw. I propose that the federal government approve a $15 billion dollar budget allotment toward the immediate growth of facial hair on my face. This is real change. This is a new face in the white house. This is what I came here for.”
Dangling modifiers aside, the president’s words were greeted with immediate applause, because really what else can you do? An official press release from the White House clarified his statements as much as humanly possible, which is as good as they’ve got since Klaatu resigned.
“The President’s facial hair stimulus program is designed to encourage the American people by lending gravitas to the Presidential aura in hopes that he can approach the bearded cool of other famous facial-haired African-Americans like Denzel Washington, Cornel West and ?uestlove from the Roots.
In addition, history has taught us that every truly great President has exhibited fantastic facial hair. Just think of Chester A. Arthur, whose impressive mutton chops enabled him to enact sweeping reform of the civil service. Or Rutherford B. Hayes, whose wizard-like beard gave him the confidence to put down labor strikes with federal troops. Not to mention William Howard Taft’s elegantly curved moustache, which reportedly made him a turn-of-the-century sex symbol, despite his three-hundred pound girth. For these reasons, and others which we would like to discuss but it’s time for our coffee break, we urge the congress to pass the facial hair stimulus as soon as possible.”
Following the announcement, bearded, mustachioed and muttoned men everywhere gathered in trashy bars and outdoors stores to celebrate. In the meantime, the Obama administration continued work on their next slate of stimulus-themed party hats, briefs, body oils and off-shore accounts. “The work never stops, and neither do we,” said one operative, still shaking from the after-effects of Stimulus Speed, which he’d likely mixed with Crisis Crank. In other news, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke sweats a fine single-malt. Correspondent out.